Milarepa - His Life

Jetsun Milarepa

Tenth Chapter : Meditation Four - (part 1)

Then Retchung asked, 'Master, where did you practice asceticism and meditation?'

Milarepa continued:

The next day, my tutor's son said to me. Take these provisions, and remember us in your meditation.'

He gave me a sack of barley flour and some excellent dried meat. I withdrew to a good cave on the hill behind my house to meditate. As I was sparing with my provisions, my body began to weaken. Nevertheless, I was able to withstand several months of ardent meditation.

When my provisions were exhausted and I had nothing left to eat; I felt I could not hold out much longer.

I thought, 'I will beg for meat from the herdsmen in the highlands and for grain from the farmers in the valley. By carefully rationing my food, I will be able to continue my meditation.' And so I went to beg from the herdsmen.

At the entrance to a tent, I called out, "Please give a hermit some food.'

I had chanced upon the encampment of my aunt. As soon as she recognised me, she became furious and set her dogs on me. I defended myself with stones and staff. Then my aunt, seizing a tent pole, shouted at me, 'Disgraceful son of a noble father I Dishonor to your family I Destroyer-demon of your village! Why have you come here? Such a son - born to such a good father!'

Speaking in this way, she threatened me. I drew back, but as I was starved and weak I tripped over a stone and fell into a pool of water. Although I was nearly dead, my aunt continued to curse me. I got up as best I could and, leaning on my staff, I sang this song to her:

"I prostrate myself at the feet of Marpa the Compassionate.

In the evil land of Tsayi Koron, (note 1)
Mother children and we, were hated by our relatives.
We are scattered like beans with a stick.
Uncle and aunt, it is you who have scattered us.
Remember that!

While I wandered to the ends of the earth begging,
My mother was killed by the sword of poverty and sorrow.
My sister wandered away to beg for food and clothing.
As I had never stopped loving my mother and sister,
I returned to the prison of my homeland,
And found my beloved mother dead
And my unhappy sister wandering to the ends of the earth.
Sadness and bitterness overflowed in my breast.

With this suffering of mother and children,
O cousins, have you not plotted to overwhelm us with grief?
Yet it is this intolerable grief
Which has called me back to the religious life.
While cut off in a mountain retreat, and meditating
On the teachings of Marpa the Compassionate,
My body, though a mere illusion, was deprived of food.

Setting out to beg,
Like an insect dying at the opening to an anthill,
I found myself at the doorway of my aunt's tent.
She sent a ferocious dog to welcome me.
With weakened body I fought it off.
Her curses, evil words, and slander
Caused my heart to overflow with grief.

Armed with a tent pole,
She, rained blows upon my body, causing great pain and suffering,
And nearly deprived me of my precious life.
Although I have good cause for anger,
I shall fulfil the teachings of the lama.
O aunt, forget your anger,
And give me provisions for my retreat.
O noble Marpa, Merciful Lord,
Bless your disciple, and calm his anger.'

Thus I sang these harmonious lamentations, which shamed even my aunt. Accompanied by a young girl, who was weeping, she went into their tent. The aunt sent the young girl to me with a pat of butter and a partly spoiled cake of cheese. I went to beg

I knew that my uncle would act in the same way as my aunt, and I thought to myself, 'I must avoid going in his direction.' But while asking for alms from the peasants in the valley of Tsa, I arrived at the door of the house where my uncle was living.

Even though I looked like a decaying corpse, he recognized me, and shouted, 'Ah, you are just the one I wanted to see.' And he threw a murderous stone, nearly hitting me. As for me, I recognized my uncle and fled. He threw stones at me with all his strength, and I kept running. He then went for his bow and arrow. 'Unnatural son! A disgrace to your family! Have you not brought about the ruin of your village?' And he shouted to the villagers, 'We

With these words, he shot arrows at me. Some young men from the village also began to throw stones. I decided to threaten them with black magic, as I feared they might do something terrible to me because of my sorcery in the past. I cried out, 'Father Lamas of the Kagyu lineage! O you ocean of guardian deities, drinkers of blood! The Dharma-

Terrified, the men seized my uncle and stopped harassing me. The stone throwers asked for forgiveness. Each of the others brought an offering. Only my uncle refused to give anything. But, as my stay in the region would have aggravated their anger, I decided to leave.

In the evening I had a dream foretelling a happy event if I were to remain for a few days. So I stayed, and Zessay learned of my arrival in the village. She came to see me, bringing provisions and some excellent beer. She embraced me and burst into tears. She told me how my mother had died and that my sister had become a wanderer. Overcome with grief, I too shed many tears.

I said to her, 'Why, after all this time, have you not married?'

She replied. They were afraid of your guardian deity, and no one would have me. If anyone had proposed, I would have refused. That you have taken up religion is astonishing. What are you going to do with your house and your field?'

I understood her idea and I thought to myself. That I did not marry her is only by the grace of Marpa the Translator. From the worldly point of view I must tell Zessay that there is no hope of marriage with me, but from the religious point of view I shall say earnest prayers for her.'

And I said to her, 'If I find my sister again, I will give her my house and my field. Meanwhile, make use of the field yourself. If it becomes known for certain that my sister is dead, you may keep the house and the field.'

'But do you not want them yourself?'

'In accordance with my ascetic practice, I will seek food as do the mice and birds, so I have no need of a field. My abode will be an empty cave; therefore I do not need a house. Even if one were Master of the Universe, at the moment of death one must give up everything. If one renounces everything now, one will be happy here and hereafter. That is why, quite the opposite of what others do, I have now given up everything and everybody. Do not expect me to be a man in the worldly sense.'

She replied, 'So, your practice is opposed to that of other religious people?'

'First of all, those who think only of worldly goals are content with studying a few religious books. They rejoice in their own success and in the failure of others. In the name of religion, they amass as much wealth and fame as they can. They take holy names and put on yellow robes. I turn away from them and always will.

'But other devotees, if their minds and practice have not been so corrupted, are in agreement with me, no matter what robes they wear, and I cannot turn my back on them. I shun only those who do not follow the essence of the Dharma.'

'I have never seen a religious devotee like you. You look even worse than a beggar. What kind of Mahayana is this?'

'It is the best of all. It throws the Eight Worldly Reactions to the winds in order to realize Enlightenment in this lifetime. This appearance of mine conforms with that tradition.'

Zessay replied, 'As you say, your way and theirs are quite opposite; one of them must be false. If they were both equally true, I would prefer their way to yours.'

'I do not like what you worldly people like. Even those monks in yellow robes who follow the same path as I do see him not entirely free from the Eight Worldly Reactions. Even if they are free, there is an immeasurable difference in the time it takes to attain Enlightenment. This is what you do not understand. If you can, practice the Dharma. If you cannot, then go on living as you are and take possession of my house and field.'

Zessay answered, 'I want neither your house nor your field. Give them to your sister. As for me. I shall practice the Dharma, but I cannot follow a path like yours.' Having said this, she went away.
My aunt learned that I no longer had any use for my field and my house. A few days passed and she thought, 'Since he says that he will follow the instructions of his Master, I will see if I can get this field for myself.'

She came to me, bringing barley flour, beer, and some dried meat. The other day I acted stupidly.' she said. "But since you are a holy man, you will forgive me. Now I, your aunt, will cultivate your field and bring you provisions.' I answered, 'Very well, aunt, bring me a sack of barley flour each month and keep

'I will do that.'

For only two months she brought the barley flour to me as agreed. After that, she came to me on one occasion, and said, People say that if I cultivate the field, my nephew's guardian deities will cast evil spells upon us. But you would not let that happen,
Would you?'

I answered, 'Why should they do that, since it is beneficial for both of us that you cultivate the field and bring me my provisions?'

'Very well, nephew, since it makes no difference to you, it will ease my mind if you take an oath.' I did not know, how she would feel about all this in the future, but I took the oath since to make others happy is the Dharma. Then she was happy and returned home.

I made a serious effort to meditate, but I was completely unable even to attain the blissful experience of inner warmth and, while I was wondering what to do, I had this dream: I was plowing a strip of my field. The earth was hard and I asked myself if I should give it up. Then the venerable Marpa appeared in the sky and said to me, "My son, strengthen your will, have courage, and work; you will furrow the hard and dry earth.'
Speaking in this way, Marpa guided me and I plowed my field. Immediately a thick and abundant harvest sprang up. I woke up full of joy, and I thought, 'Since dreams are nothing more than projections of hidden thoughts, not even fools believe they are real. I am more foolish than they are.' Even so, I took this dream to mean that if I persevered in my efforts in meditation I would attain a new quality of inner experience, and I sang this song to elucidate the meaning of my dream:

'I beg you. Compassionate Master,
Bless the mendicant that in solitude he may live.
I cultivate the field of fundamentally non-discriminatory mind
With the manure and water of faith,
And sow the seed of a pure heart.
The powerful thunder of my invocations reverberates,
And the rain of your blessings falls effortlessly.

Upon the oxen of a mind free from doubt
I put the yoke and plow of skilful means and wisdom.
Steadfastly I hold the reins without distraction.
Cracking the whip of effort, I break up the clods of the five poisons.

I cast away the stones of a defiled heart,
And weed out all hypocrisy.
I cut the stalks and reap the fruit of action
Leading to liberation.

I fill the granary with the fruit of excellent instructions,
Without the support of mental concepts.
This excellent grain, roasted and ground by the dakinis,
Is the hermit's food for inner growth.
This is the meaning of my dream.

Realization does not arise out of words.
Understanding does not come from mere suggestions.
I urge all those who work for Enlightenment
To meditate with perseverance and effort.
Endurance and effort overcome the greatest of difficulties.
May there be no obstacles for those who seek Enlightenment.'

Having sung these words, I resolved to go and meditate at Horse Tooth White Rock.

The same day, my aunt brought me three loads of barley flour, a worn-out fur coat, a garment of good linen, some dried meat, and some butter and fat. And she said to me: 'Here is the price of your field. Take it and go someplace where I will never see you or hear of you again. People are beginning to say, "After all the misery Good News has caused, now you are having dealings with him. Rather than let him kill the rest of us with his black magic, we will do away with both of you." That is why it would be good for you. my nephew, to go to another village. In any case, if you stay, they have no real reason for killing me. But as for you, nephew, they will not hesitate to kill you.'

I knew very well that the people of the village had not said that. I thought to myself, 'What if I did not act according to the Dharma? In principle I have not taken an oath against casting spells on anyone who takes my field away from me. Moreover, particularly for a yogin, an oath is a dream without reality. There is nothing to prevent me from sending hailstorms the minute she turns her back. But such things I shall not do. For how can one. practice patience if there is no one to be angry with ? If I were to die tonight, what would I do with my field and all this?

'It is said that patience is the best means of attaining Bodhi [Enlightenment], My aunt is the support of my meditation. It is thanks to my uncle and my aunt that I have entered the path of liberation. As a token of my gratitude I will pray unceasingly for their Enlightenment. In this life I can give them not only my field, but also my house.'
And, explaining my thought to my aunt, I said to her, "As I have no other means for attaining Enlightenment in this life except to follow the instructions of my lama, please take not only my field, but also my house.' And I sang this song:

'Venerable Lama, in your hands are the joys and sorrows
Of this mendicant whom you have guided into the mountain solitude.

For one tortured by the karma of universal samsara,
Defilement bursts the vital artery of liberation.

What human beings cultivate are evil deeds.
If indulged in, they will suffer the miseries of the lower realms.
Love of kith and kin is a citadel of demons.
Were I to build it, I would be sucked into a furnace.

If one accumulates food and wealth,
It becomes the possession of others.

Everything one accumulates
Becomes the property of one's enemies.

Tea and beer when craved are poisons.
If I drink them, I will burst the vital artery of liberation.

The price my aunt paid for my field is her avarice.
To have any part of it would cause me to be reborn among the hungry ghosts.

The words of my aunt are words of anger.
Were I to speak the same language, we would destroy one another.

Aunt, take my house and field.
Take them and may you be happy.

Through my devotion to the Dharma, you will be released from blame,
And I will make my way to the temple of ultimate truth.
It is through compassion that I overcome the demons.
Slander is thrown to the wind, and I turn toward higher aims.

O Gracious Lama, immutable in essence,
Bless this mendicant that he may fulfil his life in the mountain solitude.'

After this song, my aunt replied, 'You, nephew, are a true and sincere seeker. That is marvellous! ' And she departed, full of joy.

Disturbed by this event, I was overwhelmed by a terrible sadness. At the same time, I was happy and relieved to have disposed of my house and field. Once more I thought of going to meditate according to the dictates of my heart at the cave of Horse Tooth White Rock. Since I had consolidated my contemplative practice here in this cave where my aunt visited me, I called it Cave of the Foundation.

The next morning, taking the payment for my field and some other small things which remained, I arrived at Horse Tooth White Rock without anyone knowing, and stayed there in a pleasant cave. I placed a small hard mat as a cushion for meditation and took up my abode.

Then I made a vow not to descend to an inhabited place:

'So long as I have not attained the state of spiritual illumination,
I will not descend to enjoy alms, or offerings dedicated to
The dead, even if I die of hunger in this mountain solitude.
I will not descend for clothing even if I die of cold.
I will not indulge in worldly pleasures and distractions,
Even if I die of sadness.
I will not descend to seek medicine, even if I die of sickness.
Without allowing myself to be distracted in body, speech, and
Mind I will work to become Buddha.
O lama and yidam, bless me, that I may fulfil all these vows.
May the dakinis and guardian deities of the Dharma support me
With their power of action.
It is better to die than to live as a human being that breaks
Vows by not striving toward self-realization.
O Ocean of guardian deities, destroy my life instantly upon any violation.
O lama and yidani, bless me so that I may meet with religion
In my next life and be reborn in a human body capable of
Striving toward Buddha-hood.'

Having made these vows, I sang this Song of Promises and Prayers:
'O Son of Lord Naropa, bless the mendicant so that he may
Achieve in solitude the path of liberation.

Shelter me from the distracting forces of Mara
And increase the depth of my meditation.

Without being attached to the lake of inner tranquillity,
May the flower of transcendent insight bloom within me.

Without arousing fleeting thoughts of discrimination,
May the leaves of my non-conceptual state spread.

Let not doubt inhabit my cell,
But may the fruit of awakening grow ripe.

Let not the Maras (note 2) dare to create obstacles.
May an absolute certainty arise in my mind.

Without hesitation on the path of skilful means
May the son follow in the footsteps of the father.
O Compassionate Lama, immutable in essence,
Bless the mendicant that he may attain perfection in the solitude of the mountains.'

Having thus prayed, I sustained myself solely on thin soup with a little roasted barley flour, and began meditation.

Even though a definite awareness arose in my mind concerning Mahamudra (the Great Symbol), I could not control my breath because of the weakening of my body; no blissful Fire of Tummo warmed me and I experienced intense cold. Then I invoked my lama with great concentration, and one night I perceived, in an inner state of lucidity,

They demonstrated yogic postures. I sought physical bliss through the sitting position known as the six interwoven hearths. I sought control of vocal energy through the force of the vital element in air. I sought and meditated on mental harmony through the vital powers of the self-releasing snake's coil, and soon the Fire of Tummo began to spread through me.

A year passed.

Then I had a desire to go out and refresh myself. I prepared to leave. But I recalled my earlier vow and reminded myself with this song:

'O Marpa, Manifestation of Dorje-Chang, Upholder of Ultimate
Truth, Bless the mendicant so that he may complete his retreat in solitude.

Milarepa, O proud one, may this song be your reminder and your help.
You are cut off from companions and their pleasant talk.

Empty are the views of the valley you long to see. Nothing external can lift your heart.

Do not indulge in wandering thoughts, but let the mind be tranquil.
If you indulge, you will succumb to unwholesome thoughts.

Do not be distracted, do not be distracted, but attentive.
If you are inattentive, your devotion will be carried away by the wind.

Do not leave, do not leave, but stay where you are.
If you leave, your foot will stumble against a stone.

Do not seek pleasure, but control yourself.
Seeking pleasure will serve no purpose.

Do not sleep, do not sleep, but meditate.
If you sleep, the five poisons of corruption will overwhelm you.'

Having thus scourged myself, I meditated without distinguishing night from day. The quality of my practice improved and three more years passed in this way.

Each year I consumed one of my sacks of meal. And if I had had nothing else to sustain me, it would have been the end of my life. When men of the world, having found one-tenth of an ounce of gold, rejoice over it and then lose it, they despair. But that cannot be compared to dying without having attained Enlightenment. For a life which leads to Enlightenment is more precious than a billion worlds filled with gold. I thought, 'What shall

I went out in front of the White Rock cave where the sun was warm and the water excellent. Here were many nettles - an open place with a distant view. Joyfully, I stayed there. Sustaining myself with nettles, I continued my meditation.

Because I had no clothes on my body and no other nourishment whatever, my body, covered with greyish hair, became like a skeleton and my skin turned the colour of nettles. When this happened, I took the scroll that the lama had given me and placed it on my head. From that time, although I did not eat anything, my stomach felt full and there was the taste of food in my mouth. I was tempted to break the seal of the scroll to look at it.

About a year passed. Some hunters from the market of Kirong who had had no luck hunting suddenly came to my cave. Upon seeing me, they cried, 'It is a ghost!' and they ran away. I called out to them that I was a man and a hermit. That is hard to believe.' they said, 'but let us see.' Returning, they rushed into the cave and demanded, 'Where is your food? Give it to us. Later we will return it in kind. If you refuse, we will kill you.' With these words, they threatened me.

'I have nothing but nettles,' I told them. 'Lift me up and see. I have no fear of being robbed.' 'We will not rob you.'

'What would happen if we were to lift up the hermit?' said one. 'It might bring us a blessing,' said another. One after the other lifted me up and dropped me down again. Although my body, disciplined by asceticism, was filled with pain, I felt a terrible and unbearable pity for them. I wept.

One of the hunters, who had stood by without hurting me, said to the others, 'Wait! This man seems to be a real seeker. Even if he was not; you do not prove your manhood by harassing such a bag of bones. It is not his fault that we are hungry. Stop what you are doing.' And he said to me, 'You are a wonderful yogin. Since I have not tormented you, place me under the protection of your meditation.'

The others said, 'And we who lifted you up, protect us also.' One of them said, 'Yes, but there are different kinds of protection, believe me.' He burst out laughing and left.

Although I did not think of using sorcery, they eventually re-ceived retribution at the hands of my guardian deities. The regional chief punished the hunters. The leader was killed, and all the others had their eyes torn out, with the exception of the one who had said, 'Do not harm the hermit! '

After a year had passed and when all my clothes were worn out and the old fur coat given to me by my aunt in payment for my field was in tatters, I thought of sewing together the empty flour sack and the rags of my clothes to make a cushion. But I said to myself. 'If I were to die this evening, it would be wiser to meditate than to do this useless sewing.' Meanwhile, having given up the idea of sewing, I spread the tattered fur over my cushion and pulled up the edges of the fur to cover my lower body. The upper body I covered with pieces of the sack wherever it was necessary. When this cloth fell apart, I began to think that my renunciation was going too far and that I must sew it together. But there was neither needle nor thread. I knotted the three parts of the sack to cover the upper, middle, and lower parts of my body and fastened these with bits of jute rope. I wore this by day; by night I put the scraps of fur over my cushion for as long as they lasted. And in this fashion I passed another year meditating.

The voices of many men were heard. Some hunters, laden with game, arrived at the entrance to my cave. Seeing me, they cried out, 'It's a ghost!' and the nearest one ran away. Those farther away said. There are no ghosts to be feared in the daytime. Take a good look. Is it still there?'

Some old hunters came forward and they too became frightened. I explained to them at length that I was not a ghost but a hermit meditating in the mountains, and that lack of food was responsible for the condition of my body.

'We shall see if it is true,' they said, and they went into the cave. There was nothing there but nettles. Deeply moved, they offered me a large supply of meat along with other provisions, and said, What you are doing is wondrous. Please save the creatures that we have killed, let them be reborn in the higher realms. As for us, wash away our sins.'

Having spoken, they paid their respects and left. 'What good luck,' I said to myself joyfully. 'Now I can eat like a human being.'

After I had eaten cooked meat, my body began to feel tranquil bliss. My health improved, my sensitivity was keener, and my prac-tice was strengthened. I experienced a blissful state of emptiness as never before. I saw that the few gifts received in the mountain retreat were far more beneficial to me than a hundred offerings enjoyed in towns and villages.

I ate the meat sparingly, but what I saved eventually became infested with maggots. I intended to eat it after picking them out, but then I thought to myself. This is neither my fate nor my right. It is not fair to rob the maggots of their food. I no longer want it.' I left the meat as food for them, and returned to my ascetic diet of nettles.

One night a man came in search of food. He searched the entire cave. I burst out laughing and said, 'Just try to find something in the middle of the night, when I can find nothing even in broad day-light.'

Then also laughing, the man went away.

Another year passed. One day some hunters from Tsa, not having shot any game, arrived at my cave. I was clothed in the sack gathered in three places by rope, and I was in deep meditation. At the sight of me, one of the hunters pointed at me with his arrow and said, 'Is it a man or a ghost ? Is it a scarecrow? Judging by its clothes, it appears to be a ghost.'

I smiled and said, 'It is me, I am a man.'

They recognized me by the gap in my teeth.

'Are you Good News? '

'I am he.'

'In that case, give us something to eat now. We will pay you back later. It has been many years since you came to the village. Have you been here all that time?'

'I have been here all along. I have nothing good for you to eat.'

'Give us what you eat yourself. That will be enough for us.'

'Very well, make a fire and cook some nettles.'
When they had made the fire and cooked the nettles, they asked for meat.

I replied, 'If I had meat, my food would be nourishing. I have not had any for many years. Use more nettles instead.'

Then we want bones.'

'If I had bones, my food would not be so tasteless. I have done without them for years. Just use more nettles.'

'But we cannot do without salt.'

'Use the nettles as salt.'

'It is certain that with such a way of eating and dressing you will never look normal. You are not a man. Even a servant eats his fill and wears warm clothing. There is no man on earth more miserable or pitiful than you.'

'Please! Do not speak that way. I was born the most fortunate of men. I have met Lama Marpa of the Southern Cliffs. From him I obtained the instructions, which allow me to attain Buddha-hood in this life and with this body. By renouncing the world and meditating in this solitary mountain, I am trying to reach a goal in eternity. I have sacrificed food, clothing, and status, thereby destroying the enemies, passion and prejudice, in this very life. There is no worldly man braver or with higher aspirations than I. Although you were born in a country in which the teaching of the Buddha has been spread, you have not even the urge to listen to the Dharma, let alone meditate. There is no conduct more dangerous than piling up faults little by little, and handful by handful - it fills the depth and duration of hell. Now forever at peace, I shall have supreme bliss and from now on I am assured of happiness. Therefore, listen to my song.' And I sang to them this Song of the Five Happinesses:

‘I prostrate myself at the feet of Marpa the Compassionate.
Bless my renunciation in this life.
Horse Tooth White Rock is the Fortress of the Middle Way.
At the summit of the Fortress of the Middle Way,
I, the cotton-clad Tibetan hermit,
Have renounced food and clothing in this life
To become a perfect Buddha.

I am happy with the hard cushion beneath me,
I am happy with the cotton cloth, which covers me,
I am happy with the cord of meditation which ties my knees, (note 3)
I am happy with this phantom body, neither starved nor satiated.
I am happy with my mind, which has gained insight into reality.
I am not unhappy; I am happy.

If it seems to you that I am happy, do as I have done.
If you do not have the good fortune to be religious,
Consider the true and lasting happiness
Of all beings, of you and of me,
And do not mistakenly pity me.

Now the sun is setting,
Return to your homes.
Since life is short and death strikes without warning,
I who strive toward Buddha-hood
Have no time for useless words.
Therefore, leave me to my contemplation.'

The hunters replied, 'You have said many beautiful things. Certainly you have the gift of speech. But, however commendable your example may be, we cannot follow it.' And with these words they went away.

*

Each year at Kya Ngatsa a great festival was held for the casting of figurines.(note 4) On this occasion, these hunters sang the Song of the Five Happinesses. My sister Peta, who was begging at the feast, heard the song. She cried out. 'Whoever spoke these words is a Buddha!"

One of the hunters laughingly said, "Well, well, she is singing her brother's praises.'

Another added, 'Whether your brother is a Buddha or an ordinary man, this is his song, and he is on the point of dying of starvation.'

Peta replied, 'My father and mother died long ago. Our cousins turned against us. My brother wanders to the ends of the earth. I myself am a beggar and will never see him again, so I do not wish to make merry.' As she said these words, she wept.

Zessay came up to her and said, 'Do not cry. Your brother is alive. I saw him some time ago. Go to Horse Tooth White Rock and see if he is there. If he is, then we will all be reunited.'

Persuaded that this was so, Peta took a full jar of beer, which she had begged from door to door, and, with a small vessel filled with flour and mixed condiments, she arrived at Horse Tooth White Rock. She looked at me from the threshold. My body was wasted by asceticism. My eyes were sunk in their sockets. All my bones protruded. My fleshes were dried out and green. The skin covering my fleshless bones looked like wax. The hair on my body had become coarse and grey. From my head it streamed down in a frightening flood. My limbs were about to fall apart.

At this sight, my sister, terrified, thought at first that I might be a ghost, but the words she had heard, 'Your brother is dying of starvation,' made her hesitate. 'Are you a man or a ghost?' she asked. 'I am Mila Good News.'

She recognized my voice. She came in and embraced me. 'Brother, elder brother! ' She cried. And overcome with feeling, she fainted.

I had recognized Peta. I was at the same time joyful and sad. I did my best to revive her. After a few moments she recovered consciousness. She placed her head on my knees and, covering her face with her hands, said between sobs, 'Our mother died of grief and loneliness for her son, and no one even came to bury her. I gave up all hope and left the house. I went to another province to beg. I wondered if you, too, were dead or, if alive, whether you had found some happiness. But look at you! Such is my brother's destiny! And such is the sister's suffering! There is no one on earth more wretched than we too, brother and sister.'

She called to our mother and father by name, and she wept. All my attempts to comfort her were useless. Then I, also filled with sadness, sang this song to my sister:

'Obeisance to the venerable lamas.
Bless the mendicant that he may fulfil his task in solitude.

O sister, sentient being of the world,
All joys and pains are ephemeral.
But since you grieve in this way now,
I am certain that for you there exist a lasting happiness.
For this reason, listen to the song of your elder brother.

To give thanks due
To all sentient beings who are my parents,
I do religious work in this place.
This place is like a lair of savage beasts;
At the sight of it, others would be roused to indignation.

My food is like the food of dogs and swine;
At the sight of it, others would be moved to nausea.

My body is like a skeleton;
At the sight of it, a savage enemy would weep.

My behaviour appears to be that of a madman,
And my sister blushes with shame.
But my awareness is truly Buddha;
At the sight of it the Victorious One rejoices.

Even though my bones have pierced my flesh on this cold stone
Floor, I have persevered.
My body, inside and outside, has become like a nettle,
It will never lose its greenness.
In the solitary cave, in the wilderness,
The recluse knows much loneliness.
But my faithful heart never separates
From the Lama-Buddha of the Three Ages.

By the force of meditation arising from my efforts,
Without doubt I will achieve self-realization.
And when one has attained deeper experience and illumination,
Happiness comes of itself in this life
And Enlightenment in the next.
This is why I ask my sister Peta,
Instead of being overcome with frustration and sorrow,
To strive with perseverance toward the Dharma.'

Peta answered me, "If this be so, your words are astonishing and it is difficult to believe that they are true. For if they are true, other followers of the Dharma would have practiced, partly if not fully, the same path, but I have never seen anyone so miserable as you.'

Having spoken, she gave me the food and the beer, I ate and drank, and at that moment my mind became crystal clear. On that evening my practice was greatly enhanced.

The next day, after the departure of Peta, my body, unaccustomed to such food, knew both ease and discomfort. As my mind began to wander between positive and negative thoughts, I meditated with all my strength, but obtained no results.

Several days later, Zessay came to see me with Peta, bringing meat, butter, tsampa, and a great deal of beer. I had gone to look for water and met them. As I was naked, they blushed on seeing me, and they wept for my misery. They offered me the meat, butter, and flour, they poured the beer, and while I was drinking, Peta said, 'From whatever point of view one looks at my elder brother, one cannot call him a man. You should ask for alms and little by little eat the food that humans eat. I will give you what you need to make clothes.'

Zessay said, 'Whatever you do about asking for food, I too will give you clothing.'

I answered them, 'I do not know when I shall die, and I have neither time nor desire to go begging to obtain food. Were I to die of cold, I would have little regret since it would be for religion. I would not find satisfaction by indulging in food, drink, and laughter with relatives and friends gathered around me and by wearing fine clothes and having ample food obtained at the expense of my meditation. Therefore, I want neither your clothing nor your food. I will not listen to you nor will I go begging.'

Peta answered, 'Well then, elder brother, what do you think will satisfy you? Is there nothing better than your misery? '

I answered. The three lower realms are infinitely more terrible than my misery. Many are the beings who seek such suffering. Here is how I shall attain happiness through fulfilment of my aim.' And I sang this Song on Fulfilment of My Aim:

'I invoke my lama in his manifestation
To bless the mendicant so that he may complete his retreat in solitude.
My happiness unknown to my relatives,
My misery unknown to my enemies,
If I could die in solitude,
The aim of this yogin will be fulfilled.

My growing old unknown to my friends,
My growing sick unknown to my sister,
If I could die in solitude,
The aim of this yogin will be fulfilled.

My dying unknown to men,
My rotting corpse unseen by vultures,
If I could die in solitude,
The aim of this yogin will be fulfilled.

Without a vigil around my corpse,
Without lamentation over my death,
If I could die in solitude,
The aim of this yogin will be fulfilled.

With no one to ask where I have gone,
With no one to say that I am here,
If I could die in solitude,
The aim of this yogin will be fulfilled.

In this solitary cave in the mountains
May this wish about the mendicant's death
Be fulfilled for the benefit of all beings,
Thus my aim will be realized.'

Zessay said to me, 'Your present conduct is in accord with your earlier words. And I marvel at this.'

Translators Notes:

Note 1: Tsayi Koron. Another name for Milarepa’s birthplace, Kya Ngatsa.
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Note 2: The Maras. The plural of Mara. Mara exists in four different aspects: (1) as inner delusion, (2) as the five aggregates of psychophysical existence which imprison man in the turning wheel of birth and death. (3) as the unfailing force of death, (4) as a demon in both an external and internal sense – as King Garab Ouangchuk of the Deceiving Heaven of Domination (Shentrul Aungjey), and as the power of inner egoistic attachment; both of these seek to seduce man into harmful action and distract him from beneficial pursuits.
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Note 3: Cord for meditation. Called gom-thak in Tibetan, this is a meditational belt made from cotton or woolen cloth. The meditator wear it from the left shoulder around his chest and back as well as over one or both knees.
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Note 4: Figurines. Sacred images of clay, cast in copper or wooden molds.
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go to Tenth Chapter: Meditation Four - (part 2)